Jarod Kintz Quotes

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me "F*** you." Then I'll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I'll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”

Rating 4.31 em 5(16 Votes)

“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”

Rating 4.42 em 5(19 Votes)

“I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”

Rating 4.50 em 5(16 Votes)

“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

Rating 4.53 em 5(17 Votes)

“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose. ”

Rating 4.41 em 5(17 Votes)

“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.”

Rating 4.23 em 5(13 Votes)

“The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar? ”

Rating 4.44 em 5(16 Votes)

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”

Rating 4.38 em 5(13 Votes)

“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple. ”

Rating 4.57 em 5(14 Votes)

“I'd kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don't have any friends.  ”

Rating 4.75 em 5(16 Votes)

Jarod Kintz Quotes

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me "F*** you." Then I'll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I'll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”

“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”

“I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”

“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose. ”

“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.”

“The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar? ”

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”

“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple. ”

“I'd kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don't have any friends.  ”

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Jarod Kintz Quotes

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me "F*** you." Then I'll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I'll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”

“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”

“I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”

“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose. ”

“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.”

“The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar? ”

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”

“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple. ”

“I'd kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don't have any friends. ”

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“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose. ”

“The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar? ”

“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple. ”

“I'd kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don't have any friends.  ”